Trouble in Thailand

“What is going on,” the guys say, while on the Tarmac at the Rose Ceremony.
Me too. What is happening.
To the rose Ceremony:

Jordan

Robby

Chase
LUKE HE GONE.

DANG.

JoJo upset. 

“He’s like stunned,” wife says

I’m stunned. Stone Cold Steve Austin Stunned.

Emotional crying…. Wild.

She won’t let him get into the Limo.

“I miss you already,” Luke says

“I’m sorry,” JoJo says.

“Well if you were sorry you would have picked LUKE! GOOD DAY MA’AM GOOD DAY!” Wife yells.

Wife hot as a cayenne pepper on blacktop in the middle of July.

“I was in love with her. But I never got the Chance to love her,” Luke says in the limo.

That’s one hell of a line sir. With all that said, you’re looking at the new Bachelor.

Robby

Robby and JoJo hug at the market in Hua Hin Thailand. They eat stuff. Then a foot rub. Robby explains the ex girlfriend. She buys it. They kiss face.
They go to dinner… Robby pulls out a letter his dad wrote him. He gives it to JoJo just case she has “any doubts.” 
And here comes the Fantasy suite… And yup… he accepted.

Jordan

JoJo plans a hike. They pretend they climbed Mount Everest. Anywho… They go inside a cave.. Looked pretty cool. They can’t kiss inside the temple. 

“Jordan is that guy in college that you know is gonna cheat on you, but you hope for the best,” wife chimes in, eyes squinting with hate.

Dang wife. But then… JoJo ask

“Is this the right guy for me.”

Dang JoJo.

At dinner…JoJo and Jordan talk about the next year and what it would look like.

It’s almost like she’s feeling like he has big plans in the entertainment business… Hmm….

“I wanna spend the rest of my life with you,” Jordan says.

“Uhh, that’s what Ben told me,” JoJo responds.

Plan A didn’t work. Go to lay it on thick Plan B.

“Ever since I told you I was in love with you, when I think of that wedding date, I think about you.”

“He is running gammee,” wife says.

Ahem. Game recognizes game.

“Also ever since I saw him on Pitch Perfect Two, and he was in it, I knew that he just wants to be famous,” wife says… 

Maybe. 
He takes the Fantasy Suite. 

Chase

Rides up on a 2020 motorcycle… Cause they have those in the middle of nowhere within a beautiful country. Right.

Anywho… Chase picks up a large fish and almost gets a drop of blood in his mouth. JoJo and Chase laugh. Then play kiss face. 
Then they get on a boat. And chat on the beach. They toast… Then get into the water and play kiss face. Kiss face. Kiss face. Kiss face.

But during their date… Here comes Robby… What!?!

“I missed you,” Robby said 

Dang Robby you just gonna slide right into Chase’s date time? Dang it’s real right now. Everyone trying to get those final one liners in.

Chase and JoJo have dinner… He accepts the fantasy suite.. And tells JoJo he loves her. 

“I’m not feeling the way I should feel,” JoJo says.

It’s over Chase… Oover.

And it was. Shoulda kept that I love ya in the back pocket fella.

HE GONE.

And then there were two.

OR IS IT!?!?!?

BAH GOSH HERE COMES CHASE!!!!

(Had to channel my wrestling announcer voice).

“I care to much to let our relationship end the way it did,” Chase says.

“I’m proud of you, impressed by you, and I’m not mad at you.”

Chase basically wand a shot at love on the Bachelor. 

And one more time… HEEEE GONEEE.

Meanwhile… It’s 1,097 degrees in Thailand… Get these dudes in some AC… So give them the dang roses!!!!

She does. And we head to meet JoJo’s wild and crazy family
Jordan

Robby
A fight to the finish.

 

Hometown visits

Chase:
They head to Colorado…his mom and dad divorced… JoJo will meet them separately.. In the midst of that talk… They lock lips.

“I feel like every time she ends a sentence with a guy one on one, it ends in a kiss,” wife says. I’ll take it. Least chad hasn’t came up in the first 6 mins of the show.

Chase’s dad meets JoJo. They chat. Dad has a heart to heart with Chase. Good talk. Good piece of video right here.

Chase then meets with his moms side of he family. There’s a baby with a fake mustache. Not mad at it. Sandy (Chase mom) loves JoJo.

JoJo and Sandy talk about the divorce, and how it affected chase. Mom gives reassurance.

Chase and Sandy (Chase mom) have a heart to heart.

“Momosa (like Mimosa) just want to get your feelings on things.”

“I just fell in love with him,” wife says.

AT LEAST CHAD HAS NOT BEEN MENTIONED THUS FAR.

Mom and Chase cry and talk about how awesome JoJo is. Another good moment here. Overall a good hometown trip

CP Grade: A

Jordan:

They go to his school Pleasant Valley. They kiss in the library. He shows her all his high school pics. They discuss Aaron Rodgers. Jordan and Aaron don’t get along. Finally a talk about the other brother that just so happens to be a Super Bowl winning quarterback and one of, if not the best QB in the NFL.

They meet the folks. Literally all the Rodgers boys look EXACTLY alike.

“This is the most vanilla season of the Bachlorette ever. I’m bored,” wife chimes in.

I’m reaching that level.

So… Mom and Jordan have a talk… Mom is great. The end . Meh.

CP Grade: C

Robby:

They go on a horse and carriage ride in Florida 

“There’s dolphins!” Wife says. “You know his show’s gotten bad when I’m excited about Dolphins.”

JoJo discusses Robby’s ex girlfriend, who he just broke up with three months ago. Something tells me JoJo’s spidey sense knows something is up with Robby and the ex. They talk about the ex, Robby reassures her, they kiss face.

“End a sentence. Make out,” wife chimes in.

They meet the family.. They eat… And the wife makes me burst out laughing:
“I LOVE that mom has a Tervis wine glass. Mom has TWO wine glasses.”

“They ALL are drinking wine out of Tervis cups!”

That sequence from her may have been the best non Chad thing of the season.

JoJo and mom have a talk about the ex girlfriend. Jojo tells mom that she’s falling in love with Robby…. But then….
Mom says robby’s ex’s roommate is saying he broke up with the girlfriend to get on the show. Chase is upset. He goes and talks with JoJo about the rumors. JoJo is confused. OH THE DRAMA!!

He tells JoJo that he will never speak to his ex again.

CP Grade: B

Luke:

They head to Burnet, Texas… Luke takes JoJo to a big cookout. There are 3,456 people there. JoJo was a little overwhelmed. 

Luke and dad talk about relationships

“Luke has an amazing head of hair.”

True that wife. True that.

They head to a hay sofa and have a heart to heart.

“This looks like one of those Tommy Hilfiger ads back in the 90’s,” wife says.

And then… She says…

“I think Luke is the one. I think I’ve may have been blinded by Chad.”

THANK GOODNESS HOLY CRAP SHE LOVES SOMEONE ELSE OTHER THAN CHAD!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Could Luke be the one?

And then he drops the mic with a life size flower shaped heart, with candles leading to it in the middle of the country. 

This feels like an early 2000’s romance movie type scene.

And to put the proverbial Bachelorette icing on the cake. Dan+Shay. From the Ground Up. 

“This song is EVERYTHING.”

Yes wife. It is. 

One of the best home visits ever.

CP grade: A+

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY:
But WAIT… 

“JoJo. Can I talk to you for a second,” Luke says…..

“WHAT!???” Wife yells.

WHHHHHATTTT?!? I type.

They talk. Luke says, “I’m in love with you. That’s the only thing that’s been on my mind.”

Luke threw a Hail Mary at the last minute… Can he save himself!?!? THE DRAMMAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
To BE CONTINUED!!!!!

The worse episode of the season

“1. Luke has crazy eyes.””2. Alex is the same height as I am.”
Wife.is.back.
Alex gets the first date

“I gaucho on my mind.”
And then the guy proceed to hate on Alex for getting the one on one. Go figure.
While on the bus…

98 degrees/backstreet boys rendition. STOP now.
So Alex and JoJo dress up gauchos

“Do you Remember when gaucho pants were a thing?” Wife says.
Negative.
“You look like something like a Ralph Lauren model,” Alex says.
Huh.

Then, I saw a gaucho lay a horse down. And I thought he was about to make out with the horse. AND THEN HE DID MAKE OUT WITH THE HORSE.
This is getting bad. Real quick. 
And then….

“I feel like Chad would refuse to do this.”
WHY IS CHAD IN THIS!?!? WHY!?!?
Alex tells JoJo he’s falling in love with her. She clears her throat. And when they clear their throat fellas… It’s not good.

JoJo tells Alex… Goodbye.

Date Card #2

Jordan

“Let’s toast to love.”
JoJo And Jordan go to a vineyard and crush grapes. I never want to crush grapes with my bare feet. Then drink the foot wine. I can’t deal with it.
They later talk about family, and Aaron Rodgers. Jordan and his middle brother don’t talk much. Bummer. 
Date card #3

Chase

James

Robby

“Let our love soar.”
It rains so the guys stays inside and do silly things. 

James T tried to put 3,456 French fries in his mouth.

Then. A circle massage. Then charades.
This is the worst episode of the series to date.

And then JoJo dares Robby to strip down and run through the halls of the hotel.

This is… Very bad. Like historically bad episode. 
And then James T, continues to throw jabs at Robby… For zero reason. This. Is. A. Historically bad episode.
Not much else here… The group rose goes to Robby.
Luke and JoJo ride more horses… Whew… Had to fast forward… Just couldn’t bare it.
Final Rose Ceremony:

Luke

Jordan
Final rose:

Chase
James T… He gone.
Wasted two hours of my realty tv life I won’t get back. Sheesh. On to the family dates next week.

Buenos Aries Bachlorette 

Buenos Aires

JoJo and Chris Harrison have a heart to heart. She looks great in the red dress.

Wife: “That red dress is everything.”
Three dates

Group date

One one date

And a two on one date

Date card #1 (one on one) goes to:

Wells
Wells: “I’m the only guy that hasn’t kissed her.”

Wife: “Hahahahah.”

Wife is cold blooded y’all.
The guys talk for about 87 mins about why Wells hasn’t kissed her. This is a thing.
Wife: “this is weird.”
She’s not joking. There’s two naked girls in water in a ceiling, dunno what the hell is happening.

They call this performance art.

They attempt to kiss… Wells…Kisses her on the cheek.
Wife:”that was the most awkward kiss in the history of tv.”

“And I’m obsessed with that football players (Jordan) quads.”

WILL WE HAVE A NO CHAD TALK FOR ONE NIGHT? Let’s hope America.”
They both get in the ceiling of water… And alas, he kisses her. 

“Wells is not a good kisser,”

wife chimes in.
At dinner Wells talk about the ex. JoJo basically says that he’s in the friend zone. Y’all saw it coming. Wells goes home.

Wife: “did he just wipe away imaginary tears?”

Dang.

Date card #2 (group date)

Luke

Robby

Jordan

James

Alex
The dudes go around a entertainment district… James T (guitar dude) basically says he can’t compete at anything and that he looks horrible. Man up dude. 
So James T gets a kiss courtesy of a penalty kick from a soccer game.

And then the lame saying of the entire season:
James T: “I’m on the train to I love JoJoville.”
Nah. James T. Nah.
So Luke and JoJo have a deep kiss face session.
Wife: “they need Telenovela music here.”

“And you remember that Ricky Martin and Christina aguilera song, nobody wants to be lonely? That’s what should also be playing here.”
Wife on fire.
Then… James T comes at JoJo and tattle tells on Jordan… Over a card game. For real. 

“I feel like this season should be the season of hate,” wife says… 

Agree. Why hate on another man. Just do what you can do to be the last man standing. I digress.
So then JoJo confronts Jordan… About being Jordan Rogers…and it’s about a card game. A.CARD.GAME.
And then.. Jordan confronts James T…and rightfully so… Entitlement from a card game?!? Nah James T… Take your guitar and go home man.
At the end of the date… The rose goes to…Luke… He will no doubt be one of the final two.
Date #3 (two on one date)

Derek vs Chase
And we Tango. Both guys have zero clue what to do. Me either. If I were there and had to Tango, JoJo would be injured. I also just wrote that because I was completely checked out of that segment. Made no sense.
On to the dinner… JoJo has one on one’s with both guys… And in the end… CHASE GOT THE ROSE. UPSET OF THE SEASON SO FAR. WOW.
Wife: “WUTTTTT!!!”
Derek melts down in the van. Tragic.

Rose Ceremony (only three free roses):

Robby

Jordan
Final rose:

AND JOJO LEAVES… What the WHAT?!?

wife: “this is seriously like a Telenovela.”
She give two roses out.. One to Alex and the other to James T. 
Meh.
On to next week.

Chad, ex Chad, and more Chad talk (I can’t escape him)

After a few weeks off… JoJo and the boy’s return to action…. And we begin episode 5:
The boys are hyped. Long live JoJo… Chad is dead and gone… And they break out in song… And have a protein powder funeral. “Death to tyrants,” they bark.
Then bad Chad comes back to the house. They try to bait bad Chad… Chad responds.

“The only thing I can think of is to get physical.”
Wife: “why are they having a conversation with him… He’s going home.”
Chad to Jordan: “you’ve been mad at me since I came here.”
Wife: “yeah, because you’re hot!”
*sigh*
Parting shot: “bye Chad.”
*sigh*
Another parting shot…
Wife: “you know that Chad was a marine also!??”
*sigh*
She can’t let him go.
Chase has two of those new inflatable knocked ball contraptions.
Chase says… “I guess you have to knock me off my feet again.”
Nah playa. Take that line right back to where you got it.
Then… Everybody remaining tries to get their one on one time with JoJo
Wife (shocker here): “I feel like I can see everybody now that Chad’s gone.”
HE HAS BEEN GONE FOR A FULL COMMERCIAL BREAK. HE IS NOT COMING BACK WIFE. IT IS OVER. BACHELOR IN PARADISE. AUGUST 2ND. WATCH HIM THEN.
Jordan (Aaron Rodgers brother) goes all in… In the corner. Not mad at It. Gotta get in how you fit in.
Rose ceremony:

Luke

Alex

Jordan

Derek

Robby

Chase

Wells

GRANT THE FIREFIGHTER

Vinny (Jon B lookalike)

James T (dude with the guitar)
Final Rose:

Evan (meh)

 

 

The guys are now headed to…

Uruguay
Uruguay. Grand Hotel. Not bad.
Date card (one on one):

Jordan

“Let’s deal the date, love JoJo.”
Then the guys hate on Aaron Rodgers brother. The rest of the guys must be Chicago Bears or Minnesota Viking fans. Only thing I can think of.
Back to the date…

They swim with seals. Ride a boat. Good times.

Jordan says he’s falling in love with JoJo… And then JoJo drops the bomb of knowing one of Jordan’s ex… Awkward.
He is rattled… But holds it together and throws the I was worried about my career and not her deal.
Wife: “Is it ok for me to say that wasn’t an answer?”
At this point I’m glad Chad wasn’t mentioned. We’ve had a breakthrough ladies and gentleman.
And you knew… JoJo was giving Jordan a rose. I’m betting he’s one of the final two in the finale.

And then they dance in the street.
The guys read a gossip Mag about JoJo, which said she was sneaking around with her ex. NAMED CHAD. I CANNOT GET AWAY FROM THIS DUDE.
Wife chimes in: “Chadddd.”
WHYYYYYYYY.
The producers show her the gossip magazine, and she is RATTLED. And she cries. I don’t like crying JoJo.

She talks to the guys about it. They console her.

 

Date card #2 (group date):

Luke

Derek

Chase

Even

James T

Vinny

GRANT THE FIREFIGHTER

Wells

Alex
Date card reads:

“I can’t stand to be away from you, love JoJo.”
Group date heads to some sand dunes:

SURFING ON SAND DUNES. WHY CANT WE HAVE THIS IS HUNTSVILLE. Upset about this.
Later that night.. All…ALL the dudes on the group date get their one liners in to try to get a leg up in the competition.
Wife: “This is the most boring episode.”
A) she’s right

B) AND NO CHAD WAS MENTIONED!!!!!! VICTORY!!!!!!!
Group date rose goes to:

Derek

 

Date card #3 (one on one):

Robby

Date card reads:

“Love is within our reach.”
JoJo and Robby jump off a cliff. They both magically have swim wear on. Almost like they knew they were gonna do that. Shocker.
At the dinner… Robby revels that his best friend died. Deep.

He tells her he’s falling in love with her. JoJo tongues him down. And… he gets a rose. Then they go to the beach and there’s fireworks. They kiss. Just another random walk in Uruguay and fireworks on the beach. Got it. 10-4.
Let’s pile on Derek in 3…2…1…

Alex starts in on Derek.
Wife : “Dear Regina George (Alex)

stop it. It was like if Mean Girls and the God Father had a baby. Except no one got murdered.”
Ooooo K…..
At the cocktail party

Alex talks to Robby, Chase, Alex, and Jordan.

They say there’s no click action going on against him. So there’s that.
Chris Harrison says that three guys will head home. Cue the drama music….
Final Rose ceremony:

Luke

Chase

Alex

James T (guitar dude)
Final rose goes to…

Wells
Me: “Dang, GRANT THE FIREFIGHTER IS GONE.”
Wife: “Bye Sqiudworth.”

“And bye.. Oh my T shirt is ripped EVAN!”
The hate lady. The. Hate.

See ya next week.

Life ain’t all about blue berries and paper airplanes. 

We pick up with Chris Harrison telling Chad he has to apologize.
“Sup,” Chad says as he walks back into the house.
Chad makes an apology.

“You ripped my shirt!” Evan says.
Uhh… who cares dude.
Anywho… Chad apologizes and says he will be respectful of everyone.

Pool Party:

JoJo comes to the house…

“She doesn’t like him (Chad) at all,” wife chimes in.

I can see that.
Guys doing guy stuff. Diving in pools and indulging in adult beverages.
Evan bleeds. He’s embarrassed.
Jordan (Aaron Rodgers brother) has a one on one.

Wife thinks they go good together.

“You’re just so smooth,” JoJo says.

Wish Jordan woulda just said… Shoot it’s God given. But I digress.

They kiss.
Chad has a one on one.

“Man, you’re lathered up,” says JoJo.

GET CHAD A HAM PLATE STAT!!!!!
“Why do they all have these stupid necklaces on,” wife asked.

Microphones wife. Microphones.

“They’re still stupid they look like those puka shell necklaces from the 90’s,” wife continues.
Chad pulls Derek to the side.

Derek is scared of Chad. Like he can’t talk. Like taking breaths while trying to talk while Chad states a hole through him.

CHAD RUNS THE HOUSE.
Rose ceremony (guys who made the cut):

GRANT THE FIREFIGHTER

Derek

Jordan (Aaron Rodgers brother)

Luke

Robby
Sorry… Wife chimes in “who’s James F? This is my first time seeing him.”
Ok back to the ceremony
Wells

James F.

Vinny

Daniel (Chad’s bro)

Alex (The Marine)
Final Rose goes to…. CHADDDDDDD

HAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHAHHAHAAHAHAH

 
Wife on Nick B:

“I don’t even know who some of these guys are. They are like wallpaper.”
JoJo says the dudes are leaving the house for good and heading to… Pennsylvania!???
Bachelorette people. Why. Pennsylvania.

YOU WERE IN LA!!!!!!!
*sigh*

But then… The dudes are goin “muddin”
Definition of “muddin”: Get a jeep or truck. Drive crazy in mud. The end.
And then….

“Chad smiled! He looks so happy!”
WHY WIFE. WHY.
“And squid worth (GRANT THE FIREFIGHTER) has jeggings (jeans slash leggings) on.”
Good one wife.
Date card #1 goes to Luke (war vet):

I love you so “mush”the date card says.

They go to a hot tub.

They chat. Luke puts in his Mack Daddy mouth piece and throws out some one liners.

He’s a war vet. He should be automatically in the finals.

While at dinner… Luke discusses his life. And his life in the military. Got deep real quick. His friend was killed in Afghanistan. Deep. He deserves kisses from JoJo from now till next summer. And you DANG RIGHT HE GOT A ROSE.

And then Dan +Shay come out. And there’s smoke.. And Luke and JoJo slow dance while about 100 people watch. These Bachelorette folks just pull musicians out the wood work!
*my two cents: Luke and Jordan the last two standing*

 
Date card #2 (group date):

Derek

James T

Daniel

Chase

Wells

Vinny

James F

Evan

Grant

Jordan

Robby
“We could go all the way” the date card says.
They head to Heinz field and hang out with Hines Ward and Bret Keisel and Ben Rolthisberger

They do football drills. James T (guitar dude) gets cut. They wrap his head like he’s in a MASH unit.

Jordan is the all time quarterback. He should be. He can actually professionally throw a football.

And Evan has a bloody nose again. I know y’all were all shocked. But he looked like he could catch a football. So he got a pass from me.

Play of the game… Derek takes away the football away and wins for the Blue team., which gets the team alone time with JoJo later in the night.
Robby goes in! Throws JoJo on the pool table.. Wutttttt… Do it then Robby.
The rose goes to…..

Jordan. The quarterback. JoJo REALLY like em. One of the final two for sure.
THE MAIN EVENT:

Alex (Marine) vs CHADDDDDDDD

Two men enter. One man leaves.

They should both just fight in the woods and throw boulders at each other, and fight with logs.
JoJo and the boys take a hike. Alex gets first crack at talking with JoJo. And talks about Chad. Ya know, instead of talking about being with JoJo… Alex decides to talk about Chad. Not a good move… Or so I thought…
Chad has his one on one. JoJo confronts him about threatening people.
“I mean, JoJo what do you want from Chad!” Wife yells.
WHY WIFE. WHYYYYY

 

Back to Chad and Alex.

“Life ain’t all about blue berries and paper airplanes,” Chad says.

Knowledge Chad. Drop that knowledge.

 

Alex wasn’t having it.
In the end… JoJo went with… Alex!

Chad fuming.
Back at the house some bearded dude takes Chad’s bag… Dudes in the house go bonkers. Like they won a world championship.
Chad is outside in the woods. This feels like a scary movie. It appears that Chad walks 4,432 miles back to the house, P-O’ed all the way there. I bet he knocked out about 300 push ups AND sit ups for every 10 miles.

Chad knocks on the door at the house… Guys inside are nervous…
We have to wait till June 20th.
LETS JUST CALL IT CHADS REVENGE.

Bachelorette episode 3, Part 1… Chad is raging, and takes my wife on an emotional roller coaster.

Opening scene. Animal house. We’ve all been there. Let move it on to….
“HEYYY CHADD.”
“He’s so hot,” says wife. Spoiler here.
Chad and Daniel having another bro moment. Talking calories, the whole nine.
Chris Harrison talks date parameters
First date card:

Chase

“Let’s get physical… Love JoJo.
Chad. Upset.

“He’s the hottest guy there,” wife chimes in. We.Get.It.
To the date between chase and JoJo

And it’s yoga… Not mad at it….

But it’s hot yoga.

Instructor starts saying…

“Hey”

“Hey”

“Hey”

Then what she says… Her words, not mine

“It’s kinda of like an anger-gasm.”

Got it.

More screaming while standing up… Or anger-gasm.
Back to the house. Daniel and Chad pumping iron. Like Venice beach style.
Annd…. Back to yoga

And JoJo has mounted chase. They are face to face. Someone burps. Could be a problem.
WIFE ALERT:

“That’s like the total opposite of what I want to do, because I don’t want you breathing on me .”
Then the kissing begins. Knew that was coming. Yab-Yum successful.

To the dinner date…

Chase came from a divorced family… He was eight.

“Marriage is forever,” he says.

And on cue. JoJo hands over the first rose of the night.

And magically… In the midst of trees and a perfectly lighted backyard.. Charles Kelly with a band. Just never know what’s outside. Hell, I may run outside tonight and see if I can find Chris Stapleton.

Date card #2 (group)

Jordan- Aaron Rodgers brother

Grant- “HEYYY CHADD”

Wells

James F

Christian

Daniel

Vinny

Nick

Evan

Alex

Chad

Ali
“I don’t want to go with 12 guys,” Chad says.
“You think she wants to have a whole day with you?” Jordan says.

 

Jordan continues:

“What ever team Chad’s on, hopes its a bench press contest and not a spelling contest,”
AHHHHH snap Jordan AKA Aaron Rodgers brother!!

Chad:

“You’re a 27 year old failed football player. You’ve done nothing with your life beside throw a piece of leather,” Chad responds.
Alex (the marine):

“There’s a solid piece of s$&$ right over here.”
Chad:

“And there’s a p$&@!” Over there.
If there could be a wrestling royal rumble, Chad would be alone. But Chad does what chad wants to do. And he walks alone (insert 80’s hero music).

The date group heads to a theatre, JoJo looks smokin.
They have to tell sex stories.

Chad ain’t HAVIN none of it.
But Evan…. Oh Evan… Is about to hate on Chad on stage. His bachelorette buddies are gonna let him walk on the plank by himself. God speed Evan. God speed.
GRANT THE FIREFIGHTER IS UP FIRST:

16 yrs old. He text a girl. Sleeping bags. Spotlight. Cops. He did the deed.
There’s a guy discussing an alphabet.
JORDAN:

man region joke
There a girl with a mustache joke
“There a guy with a fade, and I love him to!” Wife chimes in.

*sigh*
Cut to the main part:

Evan.. Bout to seal his fate… He drops the hate on Chad jokes:

“I want to tell the dangers of using steroids.

We get the danger of steroid overdose.”

CHAD IS ANGRY. REALLLLLY ANGRY.
GIVE CHAD A HAM AND ROAST BEEF PLATE STAT!!!!!
Chad of course rips Evans shirt as he walks down to the stage.
Chad then tries to kiss JoJo. NOPPPE. He throws the mic. CHAD NEEDS A HAM AND ROAST BEEF PLATE STAT!!!!!
He punched a door. Bro’s do that from time to time. You’ve seen it before.
“You’re gonna die,” Chad says to Evan.
Boys.. Y’all let him walk on that plank.
Chad then says after hands are bloodied:

“If I can’t lift weights,”

Of course he goes there.
GET CHAD A HAM AND ROAST BEEF PLATE STAT!!!!!!!
Group date guys hang out at night (most notables):

Jordan opens up… And lays a kiss on JoJo… Y’all know he’s not going anywhere. He will be there for the long haul.
Alex (marine)

“I’m ride or die” he says.
Chad tries to interrupt a one on one. Starts whistling and trying to mess up another dudes moment. Not cool.
AND WE HAVE A BREAKTHROUGH!!!!!
Wife: “I don’t like Chad anymore. I like the guy with the fade.”
That would be Vinny.
Chad then tells other guys, that he doesn’t start things he’s not a jerk
Wife: “Well Chad has a point.”
BREAKTHROUGH RUINED.
Evan is mad cause he shirt got ripped.

Chad tells Evan to stay away.
“I mean he hasn’t been looking for fights,” wife says.
BREAKTHROUGH IS DESTROYED FOREVER.

Date card #3 (one on one)

James T. (The guitar guy)

“Let’s kick it old school the note says.

Chad hate:

He says GRANT THE FIREFIGHTER looks like a sponge bob character.
Wife laughs:

“Hahaha Sqiudworth.”
BREAKTHROUGH IS CRUSHED TO OBLIVION.
Evan tells JoJo that if chad stays here, I’m leaving
“BYE EVAN! HEYYY CHAD!”
BREAK.THROUGH.GONE.TO ETERNITY.
“And she gave Evan a kiss on the cheek,” wife says… Meaning Evan’s out.
JoJo gives a rose to.. Wait… She pulls Evan to the side… Wife chimes in

“When girls talk to you in the past tense…”

And then JoJo shows Evan the door…. WAIT WHAT THE!?!?

EVAN GOT A ROSE!?!?!?!?!?!??!??!??!??
I proceed to get hit in the arm by the wife

“See! I told ya!”
CHAD NEEDS A HAM AND ROAST BEEF PLATE STAT!!!!
“Is this a real scenario right now!?! I’m just being curious right now,” Chad says.

“You’re actually vibing this dude right now?!?”
JoJo. Not feeling it.
Next day:

Guys are afraid to sleep in the same room with Chad. Alright guys. Let’s be serious. It is not that deep.
They hired a security guard for Chad. Once again guys. It’s not that deep.
Back to one on one date with James T.

Old school date. JoJo looks really good.

“She looks like Kelly Clarkson,” wife says.

So there’s that from left field.
Back to the date

There’s a lady named June. She can swing dance. She’s 92. And awesome.

And then we have a swing dance party outside. Just walk outside and folks are swing dancing huh? Got it.

James T and JoJo sit in a old school car and…

“Friend zone.com,” wife says.

Looks that way. Looks.That.Way.

James T has a moment. He was called Luke Longneck. JoJo laughed at him. Anyway, he goes into the ahh shucks I’m not the best looking guy deal. JoJo tells him that’s he’s a good person and what not. And shocker… He gets a rose. Well played James T. Well played.

And OF COURSE HE BRINGS OUT THE GUITAR. GUYS ALWAYS GET AHEAD WITH A GUITAR.

Back at the house

Daniel tells his bro Chad to tone it down.

Chad eats lettuce. The end.
Rose ceremony:

No cocktail party tonight. Right into the roses. But she wants an all day pool party.
Evan tracks Chris Harrison outside… And whines about his shirt getting ripped etc. Chris Harrison in no certain words said.. DUDE MAN UP!
Chris goes and talks to Chad… And Chad says he tried to push me. Daniel tries to take up for his bro inside the house. Chris Harrison tells Chad to go into the house to apologize not before

Saying…
“I’m gonna cut everyone’s heads and arms off and mess up this entire thing.”
CHAD RAGING. PART ONE IS OVER.