Opening scene. Animal house. We’ve all been there. Let move it on to….
“He’s so hot,” says wife. Spoiler here.
Chad and Daniel having another bro moment. Talking calories, the whole nine.
Chris Harrison talks date parameters
First date card:
“Let’s get physical… Love JoJo.
“He’s the hottest guy there,” wife chimes in. We.Get.It.
To the date between chase and JoJo
And it’s yoga… Not mad at it….
But it’s hot yoga.
Instructor starts saying…
Then what she says… Her words, not mine
“It’s kinda of like an anger-gasm.”
More screaming while standing up… Or anger-gasm.
Back to the house. Daniel and Chad pumping iron. Like Venice beach style.
Annd…. Back to yoga
And JoJo has mounted chase. They are face to face. Someone burps. Could be a problem.
“That’s like the total opposite of what I want to do, because I don’t want you breathing on me .”
Then the kissing begins. Knew that was coming. Yab-Yum successful.
To the dinner date…
Chase came from a divorced family… He was eight.
“Marriage is forever,” he says.
And on cue. JoJo hands over the first rose of the night.
And magically… In the midst of trees and a perfectly lighted backyard.. Charles Kelly with a band. Just never know what’s outside. Hell, I may run outside tonight and see if I can find Chris Stapleton.
Date card #2 (group)
Jordan- Aaron Rodgers brother
Grant- “HEYYY CHADD”
“I don’t want to go with 12 guys,” Chad says.
“You think she wants to have a whole day with you?” Jordan says.
“What ever team Chad’s on, hopes its a bench press contest and not a spelling contest,”
AHHHHH snap Jordan AKA Aaron Rodgers brother!!
“You’re a 27 year old failed football player. You’ve done nothing with your life beside throw a piece of leather,” Chad responds.
Alex (the marine):
“There’s a solid piece of s$&$ right over here.”
“And there’s a p$&@!” Over there.
If there could be a wrestling royal rumble, Chad would be alone. But Chad does what chad wants to do. And he walks alone (insert 80’s hero music).
The date group heads to a theatre, JoJo looks smokin.
They have to tell sex stories.
Chad ain’t HAVIN none of it.
But Evan…. Oh Evan… Is about to hate on Chad on stage. His bachelorette buddies are gonna let him walk on the plank by himself. God speed Evan. God speed.
GRANT THE FIREFIGHTER IS UP FIRST:
16 yrs old. He text a girl. Sleeping bags. Spotlight. Cops. He did the deed.
There’s a guy discussing an alphabet.
man region joke
There a girl with a mustache joke
“There a guy with a fade, and I love him to!” Wife chimes in.
Cut to the main part:
Evan.. Bout to seal his fate… He drops the hate on Chad jokes:
“I want to tell the dangers of using steroids.
We get the danger of steroid overdose.”
CHAD IS ANGRY. REALLLLLY ANGRY.
GIVE CHAD A HAM AND ROAST BEEF PLATE STAT!!!!!
Chad of course rips Evans shirt as he walks down to the stage.
Chad then tries to kiss JoJo. NOPPPE. He throws the mic. CHAD NEEDS A HAM AND ROAST BEEF PLATE STAT!!!!!
He punched a door. Bro’s do that from time to time. You’ve seen it before.
“You’re gonna die,” Chad says to Evan.
Boys.. Y’all let him walk on that plank.
Chad then says after hands are bloodied:
“If I can’t lift weights,”
Of course he goes there.
GET CHAD A HAM AND ROAST BEEF PLATE STAT!!!!!!!
Group date guys hang out at night (most notables):
Jordan opens up… And lays a kiss on JoJo… Y’all know he’s not going anywhere. He will be there for the long haul.
“I’m ride or die” he says.
Chad tries to interrupt a one on one. Starts whistling and trying to mess up another dudes moment. Not cool.
AND WE HAVE A BREAKTHROUGH!!!!!
Wife: “I don’t like Chad anymore. I like the guy with the fade.”
That would be Vinny.
Chad then tells other guys, that he doesn’t start things he’s not a jerk
Wife: “Well Chad has a point.”
Evan is mad cause he shirt got ripped.
Chad tells Evan to stay away.
“I mean he hasn’t been looking for fights,” wife says.
BREAKTHROUGH IS DESTROYED FOREVER.
Date card #3 (one on one)
James T. (The guitar guy)
“Let’s kick it old school the note says.
He says GRANT THE FIREFIGHTER looks like a sponge bob character.
BREAKTHROUGH IS CRUSHED TO OBLIVION.
Evan tells JoJo that if chad stays here, I’m leaving
“BYE EVAN! HEYYY CHAD!”
“And she gave Evan a kiss on the cheek,” wife says… Meaning Evan’s out.
JoJo gives a rose to.. Wait… She pulls Evan to the side… Wife chimes in
“When girls talk to you in the past tense…”
And then JoJo shows Evan the door…. WAIT WHAT THE!?!?
EVAN GOT A ROSE!?!?!?!?!?!??!??!??!??
I proceed to get hit in the arm by the wife
“See! I told ya!”
CHAD NEEDS A HAM AND ROAST BEEF PLATE STAT!!!!
“Is this a real scenario right now!?! I’m just being curious right now,” Chad says.
“You’re actually vibing this dude right now?!?”
JoJo. Not feeling it.
Guys are afraid to sleep in the same room with Chad. Alright guys. Let’s be serious. It is not that deep.
They hired a security guard for Chad. Once again guys. It’s not that deep.
Back to one on one date with James T.
Old school date. JoJo looks really good.
“She looks like Kelly Clarkson,” wife says.
So there’s that from left field.
Back to the date
There’s a lady named June. She can swing dance. She’s 92. And awesome.
And then we have a swing dance party outside. Just walk outside and folks are swing dancing huh? Got it.
James T and JoJo sit in a old school car and…
“Friend zone.com,” wife says.
Looks that way. Looks.That.Way.
James T has a moment. He was called Luke Longneck. JoJo laughed at him. Anyway, he goes into the ahh shucks I’m not the best looking guy deal. JoJo tells him that’s he’s a good person and what not. And shocker… He gets a rose. Well played James T. Well played.
And OF COURSE HE BRINGS OUT THE GUITAR. GUYS ALWAYS GET AHEAD WITH A GUITAR.
Back at the house
Daniel tells his bro Chad to tone it down.
Chad eats lettuce. The end.
No cocktail party tonight. Right into the roses. But she wants an all day pool party.
Evan tracks Chris Harrison outside… And whines about his shirt getting ripped etc. Chris Harrison in no certain words said.. DUDE MAN UP!
Chris goes and talks to Chad… And Chad says he tried to push me. Daniel tries to take up for his bro inside the house. Chris Harrison tells Chad to go into the house to apologize not before
“I’m gonna cut everyone’s heads and arms off and mess up this entire thing.”
CHAD RAGING. PART ONE IS OVER.