After a few weeks off… JoJo and the boy’s return to action…. And we begin episode 5:
The boys are hyped. Long live JoJo… Chad is dead and gone… And they break out in song… And have a protein powder funeral. “Death to tyrants,” they bark.
Then bad Chad comes back to the house. They try to bait bad Chad… Chad responds.
“The only thing I can think of is to get physical.”
Wife: “why are they having a conversation with him… He’s going home.”
Chad to Jordan: “you’ve been mad at me since I came here.”
Wife: “yeah, because you’re hot!”
Parting shot: “bye Chad.”
Another parting shot…
Wife: “you know that Chad was a marine also!??”
She can’t let him go.
Chase has two of those new inflatable knocked ball contraptions.
Chase says… “I guess you have to knock me off my feet again.”
Nah playa. Take that line right back to where you got it.
Then… Everybody remaining tries to get their one on one time with JoJo
Wife (shocker here): “I feel like I can see everybody now that Chad’s gone.”
HE HAS BEEN GONE FOR A FULL COMMERCIAL BREAK. HE IS NOT COMING BACK WIFE. IT IS OVER. BACHELOR IN PARADISE. AUGUST 2ND. WATCH HIM THEN.
Jordan (Aaron Rodgers brother) goes all in… In the corner. Not mad at It. Gotta get in how you fit in.
GRANT THE FIREFIGHTER
Vinny (Jon B lookalike)
James T (dude with the guitar)
The guys are now headed to…
Uruguay. Grand Hotel. Not bad.
Date card (one on one):
“Let’s deal the date, love JoJo.”
Then the guys hate on Aaron Rodgers brother. The rest of the guys must be Chicago Bears or Minnesota Viking fans. Only thing I can think of.
Back to the date…
They swim with seals. Ride a boat. Good times.
Jordan says he’s falling in love with JoJo… And then JoJo drops the bomb of knowing one of Jordan’s ex… Awkward.
He is rattled… But holds it together and throws the I was worried about my career and not her deal.
Wife: “Is it ok for me to say that wasn’t an answer?”
At this point I’m glad Chad wasn’t mentioned. We’ve had a breakthrough ladies and gentleman.
And you knew… JoJo was giving Jordan a rose. I’m betting he’s one of the final two in the finale.
And then they dance in the street.
The guys read a gossip Mag about JoJo, which said she was sneaking around with her ex. NAMED CHAD. I CANNOT GET AWAY FROM THIS DUDE.
Wife chimes in: “Chadddd.”
The producers show her the gossip magazine, and she is RATTLED. And she cries. I don’t like crying JoJo.
She talks to the guys about it. They console her.
Date card #2 (group date):
GRANT THE FIREFIGHTER
Date card reads:
“I can’t stand to be away from you, love JoJo.”
Group date heads to some sand dunes:
SURFING ON SAND DUNES. WHY CANT WE HAVE THIS IS HUNTSVILLE. Upset about this.
Later that night.. All…ALL the dudes on the group date get their one liners in to try to get a leg up in the competition.
Wife: “This is the most boring episode.”
A) she’s right
B) AND NO CHAD WAS MENTIONED!!!!!! VICTORY!!!!!!!
Group date rose goes to:
Date card #3 (one on one):
Date card reads:
“Love is within our reach.”
JoJo and Robby jump off a cliff. They both magically have swim wear on. Almost like they knew they were gonna do that. Shocker.
At the dinner… Robby revels that his best friend died. Deep.
He tells her he’s falling in love with her. JoJo tongues him down. And… he gets a rose. Then they go to the beach and there’s fireworks. They kiss. Just another random walk in Uruguay and fireworks on the beach. Got it. 10-4.
Let’s pile on Derek in 3…2…1…
Alex starts in on Derek.
Wife : “Dear Regina George (Alex)
stop it. It was like if Mean Girls and the God Father had a baby. Except no one got murdered.”
At the cocktail party
Alex talks to Robby, Chase, Alex, and Jordan.
They say there’s no click action going on against him. So there’s that.
Chris Harrison says that three guys will head home. Cue the drama music….
Final Rose ceremony:
James T (guitar dude)
Final rose goes to…
Me: “Dang, GRANT THE FIREFIGHTER IS GONE.”
Wife: “Bye Sqiudworth.”
“And bye.. Oh my T shirt is ripped EVAN!”
The hate lady. The. Hate.
See ya next week.